This may not be very well put But I sort of need to vent.
Today, and at several points throughout this past week, I have been battling an evil that has not had a huge presence in my life lately. Anger. The source is clearly the pain and frustration I feel over the health of my children. Ill spare the details but in short, niether of them are "healthy and developing normally". Halle was always such a relief from the intensity that Hayden brings to our life but now her delayed development is giving way to a whole new set of worries. I could write forever about these issues but what I really want to address is the anger that has been buiding up inside me. I am angry at the direct effects of these issues on my life (sleepless nights, bleeding infected wounds all over my son's body, the behavioral effects of Hayden's lack of sleep due to itching, confusion over how to discipline him in light of effects of sleeplessness, frequent and expensive visits to doctors and specialists......the list goes on). I am angry that my countless prayers seem to be falling on deaf ears. I have prayed and prayed for healing and if not healing then at least some relief.....no response that is noticable to me at this time. Then I get angry at myself for getting angry with God because I know better! I get so angry at Hayden in the middle of the night when he wakes up. Then, in the morning, Im so angry with myself for getting angry with him. My maternal instinct to fix or at least help my childrens' problems is so strong yet there is so little that I can really do. I hate these feeling of uselessness and failure, they make me so angry! My anger takes form in a number of different ways but it is all so ugly. I know that allowing these feelings to fester will only make my life harder. My intention is to give them over, detatch myself from them. But, in order to do so I have to fully realize the extent of this evil and writing this is helping to do just that. Ofen I feel guilty and stupid for even being so frustrated by the the cards Ive been dealt. I know that things could obviously be much worse in terms of the chronic conditions that plauge my children. There are way bigger problems in the world, I know. But that doesnt seem to help me at all right now. This is me and as real as I get. If Im going to get anywhere in this stuggle I cant be anything less than real. So here it goes, I am putting my anger onto this screen, symbolic of giving to God, and moving on in the freedom of being without it. I'll let you know how it goes.......
6 comments:
About to join in but Noelle just woke up... More to come. I send my love!
I think you know how much I resonate with the anger issue. I agree it IS really kind of strange to struggle with such an emotion because prior to having kids, there was really very little that provoked me to full out anger. It just isn't an emotion that is (outwardly) expressed much in the adult world... and so it is really surprising when it comes back at you as a mother towards these tiny children that you are supposed to have all love, compassion, patience and grace for. Consequently, I think you bring up such a wise and neccessary point simply in acknowledging it. It can take a really long time to even actually notice that yes, it is indeed anger, that I am feeling right now towards my children. And in acknowledging, I think Satan has lost half the battle. I think it's so good that you bring your heart and struggles with this out into the open, it is now exposed in the light and loses much of it's power. I saw a 20/20 last weekend on "America's Taboos", (I always meant to write my own blog entry about it) and it addressed this need in mothers to hide any struggle or unhappiness they feel about their children or life right now, because to admit it is so taboo. Mom's are so judgemental and critical towards eachother and because of that we feel this need to not let on that we're having a hard time, let alone that we may feel (shock, gasp) ANGER towards our children or situations ... definitely taboo. But I think it is in the silence that it grows, festers and becomes a much more dangerous problem. So thanks for stepping into the light with me :-) God will be faithful...and I AM sorry about the kiddos issues, it is so hard to watch your babies in pain...
Wow, I am so amazed at your honesty erica. (and Katie) Although I am not a mother I do relate on some level as a teacher. I have days when I can emotionally react to a student, then I have to deal with guilt. Or just complete brain lapses and moodswings. And I get to leave my job at the end of the day (sort of)! Katie, I think you are so right in the simple fact that you just need to express the anger to someone and that is half the battle. Although reading these entries on both your blogs scare me a bit about having children because I can see the same tendencies come out in me; I also feel so blessed to have friends like you who I know I can come to, be real with, pray with and not be judged. So thank you for your realness. And even though you struggle with your anger and emotional reactions I still believe you are both (and all GAG mommies)amazing parents and I have learned so much from watching you (and will learn way more when my kiddos are born!)Thank you again for you honesty. I think being a mom is the hardest job, I will be praying for you ladies.
Our prayers are with you guys.
Now that we have talked in person, i feel a little awkward responding on the blog because i will be repeating myself. I will say that it is amazing the depths of emotion, thoughts, and experiences that being a mother stirs within us. Your genuine desire for God and His transformation of you has always drawn me to you. Thank you for sharing your heart here. God has been faithful every other time and will be faithful now. I love you.
Amen, sister. Being a mom is so hard, even when kids' health is good, much less when it seems like you're doing everything you can and nothing seems to be working and your prayers do not seem to be being heard. Current issues with Luke brought me to two points yesterday night when I neared a meltdown: 1. Our kids are not our own. Luke is God's kid on loan to me, and I will do the best I can, but when it comes down to it, Luke is God's child. Not mine. 2. Character is not formed in anything but the crucible. When did comfort ever produce anything good? Nevertheless, it does not make the anger and pain go away, but perhaps a sense of purpose will keep us keeping on...
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