Halle had an appoinyment today with a pediatric neurologist. Her pediatrician made the referal after we saw him a month ago about her delayed walking. Of course, by the time the appointemnt came up, she started walking. But, I decided I should still go and see what the guy had to say and so I could feel like I did everything I could have done to be sure nothing is really wrong. Apparently, this is the first step in dealing with any sort of developmental delay, to rule out any sort of underlying neurological cause.
The office was located inside the Sutter Cancer Center in Sac. As we walked in we saw mostly cancer patients of all ages. It felt strange to be bringing my child to a place that mostly deals with people, children, with a potentially fatal disease. I was thinking about how I cant even begin to fathom what it would be like to to experience having a child with cancer or any other devistating illness. It seems so far off, so impossible. But it's not, it's so real and all sorts of people are living it, hundreds of whom are in this very same buiding we are entering. Yet here I am with my two healthy children. Strange.
The appointment went as I expected for the most part. Since she has shown considerable progress since the time of the referral in a number of areas there was no need, after his assesment of her in the office, to pursue any other sort of testing to try and determine what may have caused her to be so delayed. Something that was strange to me was how adament he was that walking at 16.5 months was VERY late. For the last few months I have periodically taken some time to read about late walking on line and found that there are lots of kids out there who dont walk until much later than "normal" and are fine. I was determined not to be the spastic paranoid mom who is hung up on all the milestones happening at exactly the right time. Most of the time, I wasnt terribly worried about her largley because of the many stories I have heard about kids who didnt walk until such a such an age. (Everybody seems to have a story like that to tell me. But I gladly listen.) I was assuming the doctors would be more casual about it. But even though he referred to her as LATE rather than just "on her own schedule" as many say, I was relieved to hear his conclusive remarks stating that we just needed to keep an eye on her development and call him if there seems to be any other problems down the road. So we make our way back to the reception area and I let the kids play a little with the toys there before we head to the car and the doctor comes back out and says "oh, Im so glad youre still here. I just noticed something and I need you to come back inside." So we go and he tells me that he looked at Halle's growth chart and saw that her head size is abnormally large. This was no surprise to me. It wasnt until her last physical at 15 months that she landed back ON the growth chart in the 99% percentile for her age. Since she was 6 months weve bought her size 2T hats! Her other doctors have noticed and asked if anyone in the family has a big head. Since Brian certaily does and Hayden does too, no one seemed to be alarmed. But this guy was alarmed and in short, we are now suspecting that she may have a mild case of hydrocephaly and will do an MRI to find out. The situation was difficult because (and I experienced this with the pediatrician when he made the referal to the neurologist) as a doctor, he recommended we do this because he needs to rule it our no matter how unlikely it may seem to him that she would indeed have it. However, he can not, without violating his professionalism, let on to the seriousness or lack thereof of his suspicions in anyway. So I'm left to wonder, "does the doctor, the only one here who knows anything about this disease, think she might really have this? Or did he just have to make that recommendation (to do the MRI) soley out of ethic, as a standard conservative approach, event though he thinks it unlikely that hydocephaly is present????" (Apparently, even if the hydrocephaly is mild and doesnt require immediate draining, it is very serious and can cause considerable problems in the child's future.)
Now I feel stuck in this weird inbetween place. At one moment I feel like we really shouldnt worry, that she is probably fine we just have to cover all the bases and rule it out. But then I realize that I have no reason to assume that there is any greater chance she doesnt have this than that she does - other than the fact that, as I mentioed earlier, it just seems so impossible that my child could have such a serious problem. It's so easy to fear uncommon diseases and abnormalities when they are in the womb but once they come out fine, it's so easy to take their health for granted. So in the next moment Im feeling like Im about to enter the world that many of the people in that building are living in, a world where health is an unknown or unatainable luxury. Wow. I just cant even begin to go there. Not because I dont want to but because I literally can't. Maybe someday soon I will, we'll see. For now, I am just going to go to bed and thank God for the year and a half of healthy, happy Halle.